Sorry, Not Sorry - Why Women Over Apologize and How We Can Stop
- Lynise Green N.D.
- 5 days ago
- 8 min read
“Sorry, but can I ask a question?”
“Sorry if this is a dumb idea, but…”
“Sorry to bother you…”
Sound familiar? If you’re a woman, chances are you’ve said one of these phrases, or all of them, at some point. And if you’re anything like me, once you start noticing it, you can’t unhear it. Women apologize for everything.
We say sorry before we ask a question, before we take up space, before we express an opinion. We apologize when we need clarification, when we’re running two minutes late, when we’re simply existing in a room. It’s as if we’re preemptively seeking forgiveness for being human.
I started paying closer attention to this phenomenon in my own conversations, emails, and meetings. And I realized something: Men don’t do this. At least, not nearly as often. When was the last time you heard a male colleague say, “Sorry, I just wanted to add something…”? You probably haven’t. Because they don’t feel the need to.
But why do we? Why do so many women reflexively downplay themselves with unnecessary apologies? And more importantly - how do we stop?
Let’s break it down.
The Apology Reflex: Where Does It Come From?
Women aren’t born apologizing, we’re taught to do it. From an early age, we receive subtle (and not-so-subtle) messages about how we should behave. We’re encouraged to be polite, accommodating, and agreeable. We’re praised for being “nice,” for keeping the peace, for smoothing things over when there’s tension.
Meanwhile, boys are encouraged to be confident, assertive, and bold. They’re told to “speak up,” to “go after what they want,” to “never back down.” The result? Many women grow up feeling the need to soften their presence, while many men grow up assuming their presence is inherently valid.
This conditioning follows us into adulthood and plays out in different areas of life:
In the Workplace: Softening Our Words to Seem Less ‘Aggressive’
Women in professional settings often use “sorry” as a shield - to avoid seeming too direct, too demanding, or too much. We start emails with “Sorry for the delay” instead of “Thank you for your patience." We preface our opinions with “Sorry, but I disagree” instead of “I see it differently.”
Why? Because assertiveness in women is often misinterpreted as aggression. Research shows that women who speak confidently are more likely to be perceived as bossy, difficult, or unlikable while men displaying the same behavior are seen as strong leaders. This bias trains us to soften our language, to make ourselves more palatable, to apologize in advance for simply having an opinion.
In Social Interactions: Keeping the Peace at All Costs
Apologizing isn’t just a workplace habit, it’s woven into our daily interactions. Women often use “sorry” to avoid conflict or discomfort, even when they’ve done nothing wrong.
Friend cancels plans last-minute? “Sorry, I know you’re busy!”
Someone bumps into you? “Oh, sorry!”
Asking a waiter for the correct order? “Sorry to bother you, but…”
In many ways, “sorry” becomes a placeholder for please don’t be upset with me. We over-apologize not because we’re at fault, but because we feel responsible for maintaining harmony even when the burden isn’t ours to carry.
In Everyday Life: Shrinking Ourselves Without Realizing It
The most insidious part of over-apologizing? We often don’t even notice we’re doing it. It’s a reflex—a knee-jerk response ingrained so deeply that it becomes second nature.
Think about how often you hear women say things like:
“Sorry, can I squeeze past you?” (Translation: I don’t want to inconvenience you by existing.)
“Sorry, I just have one quick thing to add.” (Translation: I don’t want to take up too much space.)
“Sorry, I need a minute to think.” (Translation: I don’t want to seem slow or unprepared.)
These small, everyday apologies send a subconscious message to ourselves and others: I don’t fully belong here. I need to make myself smaller. And that’s simply not true.
The Hidden Cost: The Psychological Toll of Over-Apologizing
At first glance, saying “sorry” might seem harmless - just a polite habit or a way to smooth interactions. But when it becomes a default response, it can take a real toll on our confidence, self-perception, and even how others view us.
It Undermines Our Confidence
Every time we say “sorry” unnecessarily, we subtly reinforce the idea that we’ve done something wrong, even when we haven’t. Over time, this repeated self-correction chips away at our confidence. We internalize the message that we’re somehow an inconvenience, that our questions aren’t valid, that we need permission to take up space.
Imagine the difference between these two statements:
“Sorry, can I ask a question?” (Implying you shouldn’t be speaking, that your question might be a bother.)
“I have a question.” (Stating your need clearly, without unnecessary self-doubt.)
One of these projects confidence. The other subtly signals insecurity. And when we constantly default to apologizing, we train ourselves to doubt our own voice.
It Lowers Our Authority and Credibility
In professional settings, over-apologizing can make us seem less competent and self-assured, especially in leadership roles. Research suggests that when women soften their speech with constant apologies or hedging phrases (“I’m sorry, but…” or “This might be a dumb idea, but…”), they are perceived as less authoritative.
Think about how this plays out in a meeting:
“Sorry, I just wanted to add something.” (Sounds hesitant, as if your input isn’t that important.)
“I’d like to add something.” (Sounds confident and assured.)
How we present our thoughts influences how others perceive our competence. By eliminating unnecessary apologies, we project strength and clarity, qualities that make people listen.
It Creates Unnecessary Emotional Burden
Apologizing often comes with a sense of guilt, even when we haven’t done anything wrong. When we reflexively say “sorry” for things outside our control (or things that don’t require an apology), we subconsciously take on emotional weight that isn’t ours to carry.
For example:
Apologizing for setting a boundary. (“Sorry, I can’t make it.” → Why are we sorry for protecting our time?)
Apologizing for someone else’s mistake. (“Sorry, I think there might be an error on this report.” → Why not just say, “There’s an error on the report” and let the facts speak for themselves?)
Apologizing for normal human needs. (“Sorry, can I have a moment to think?” → Why are we sorry for needing time to process?)
This constant, unnecessary guilt adds up. It drains emotional energy, fosters self-doubt, and keeps us in a cycle of seeking approval instead of standing in our own power.
It Reinforces Gender Norms That Keep Women Small
At a societal level, women’s over-apologizing plays into a broader dynamic: the expectation that women should be accommodating, deferential, and non-threatening.
When we constantly apologize, we signal to others, and to ourselves, that we are less certain, less deserving, less entitled to space and respect. Meanwhile, men are socially conditioned to speak directly, assert their presence, and not feel guilty for doing so.
Breaking free from this pattern isn’t just about shifting our words, it’s about reclaiming our power.
Breaking the Habit: What to Say Instead
Recognizing the problem is the first step, but breaking the habit of over-apologizing requires conscious effort and intentional language shifts. The goal isn’t to stop apologizing altogether – apologies are absolutely necessary when we’ve made a mistake or hurt someone. But we need to distinguish between a genuine apology and a reflexive, unnecessary one.
Here are three powerful ways to shift your language and retrain your brain to communicate with confidence.
1. Replace “Sorry” with Gratitude
Instead of apologizing for something minor or unnecessary, express appreciation. This shift reframes your words in a positive, self-affirming way.
Instead of: “Sorry for the delay.”
Say: “Thank you for your patience.”
Instead of: “Sorry for taking up your time.”
Say: “I appreciate you taking the time to meet with me.”
Instead of: “Sorry for the confusion.”
Say: “I appreciate the opportunity to clarify.”
This small tweak shifts the focus from guilt to gratitude—helping you communicate with confidence while still acknowledging the other person’s experience.
2. Own Your Space Without Apology
Many of us use “sorry” as a way to minimize our presence, whether it’s asking a question, making a request, or asserting a boundary. Instead, try clear, direct statements that affirm your right to speak up.
Instead of: “Sorry to bother you, but…” Say: “
Do you have a moment?”
Instead of: “Sorry, can I ask a question?”
Say: “I have a question.”
Instead of: “Sorry, I just wanted to add something.”
Say: “I’d like to add something.”
Removing “sorry” from these statements doesn’t make you rude, it makes you direct. You deserve to take up space and be heard without apologizing for it.
3. Set Boundaries Without Guilt
Many of us over-apologize when setting boundaries, as if protecting our own time, energy, or well-being is something we need permission for. Instead of apologizing, be firm and clear.
Instead of: “Sorry, I can’t make it.”
Say: “I won’t be able to make it.”
Instead of: “Sorry, I don’t have time right now.”
Say: “I’m unavailable at the moment, but I can follow up later.”
Instead of: “Sorry, but I need to reschedule.”
Say: “I need to reschedule. Does [alternative time] work for you?”
Notice the difference? These responses communicate respect for your own time and needs without unnecessary guilt.
Practice Makes Confidence
Breaking the habit of over-apologizing takes time and conscious effort, but the more you practice, the more natural it becomes. The key is not to be harsh on yourself when you catch an unnecessary “sorry” slipping out—it’s about building awareness and making intentional shifts over time.
1. Start Noticing Your Apologies
The first step is awareness. Pay attention to when and why you say "sorry" throughout the day. Are you apologizing for things outside your control? Are you softening your speech to avoid conflict? Are you using "sorry" in situations where no actual harm was done?
Try this experiment: For one full day, count how many times you say “sorry.” You might be surprised by how often it happens! Simply noticing this habit is the first step to changing it.
2. Replace “Sorry” in Low-Stakes Situations First
If over-apologizing feels deeply ingrained, start with small, low-pressure situations. The next time you instinctively say, “Sorry, can I squeeze past you?” try “Excuse me.” Instead of “Sorry to bother you,” say “Do you have a moment?”
Making these small changes in everyday interactions builds confidence and makes it easier to apply the same principle in professional and personal settings.
3. Use a Confidence Journal
Words shape the way we see ourselves. Keeping a confidence journal can help rewire your thinking.
Try this:
At the end of the day, write down one situation where you replaced “sorry” with a stronger, more confident phrase.
Note how it felt to speak without an unnecessary apology. Did it change how others responded to you? Did you feel more self-assured?
Over time, you’ll start to see a shift in how you communicate and how you feel about yourself.
4. Give Yourself Permission to Take Up Space
At the core of over-apologizing is a subconscious belief that we need to shrink ourselves, that we must soften our presence to be accepted. But the truth is you belong in the room. Your thoughts, your presence, your voice matter.
Confidence isn’t about arrogance or never admitting mistakes. It’s about owning your space without apology. And the more you practice this shift, the more natural it will feel.
Final Thought: Speak with Strength, Not Sorry
Your words shape how the world sees you—and how you see yourself. By replacing unnecessary apologies with self-assured communication, you are making a powerful statement:
✨ I am not an inconvenience.
✨ I do not need permission to exist, speak, or take up space.
✨ I am worthy of being heard.
So the next time you feel the urge to say “sorry” when it’s not necessary pause, take a breath, and own your voice.
Because you, my friend, have nothing to apologize for.
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