Leading Without Losing Yourself

When we talk about imposter syndrome, we often picture a professional sitting in a meeting, nodding along while secretly thinking, “Any minute now, they’re going to realize I don’t belong here.” It’s the anxious whisper that tells you you’re underqualified, underprepared, and somehow only got your role by luck or accident.

That’s the familiar version of imposter syndrome. And if you Google the term, you’ll find pages of advice built around this idea: gain more experience, seek mentorship, take another course, track your achievements, remind yourself you’re capable. In other words, the solution is usually framed as: prove yourself through competence.

But over the years - both in my own journey and in working with clients - I’ve come to realize something that doesn’t get talked about nearly enough: the idea that perhaps imposter syndrome doesn’t always show up because you aren’t capable. In fact, some of the most accomplished people I know struggle with it the most. They have the degrees, the accolades, the years of experience, the promotions. They’ve checked all the boxes. And yet, deep down, they still carry that gnawing sense of fraudulence.

That disconnect is what made me start asking a different question: what if imposter syndrome isn’t really about competence at all?

The Competence Trap

The more I sat with this question, the more obvious it became: the competence explanation doesn’t fully hold up.

Think about it. If imposter syndrome were truly about not knowing enough, it should dissolve the moment you “catch up.” Once you’ve earned the degree, landed the promotion, delivered the project, or received the recognition of your peers, you’d expect that gnawing sense of doubt to finally quiet down. But that isn’t what happens.

Instead, it often lingers, or worse, grows louder. I’ve seen it in colleagues who, on paper, were extraordinary: advanced degrees, impressive résumés, and track records filled with success. They were the people others looked to as models of excellence. Yet behind closed doors, they admitted to feeling like frauds, constantly bracing for the moment someone would discover they weren’t as brilliant as everyone assumed.

It’s as though each success only deepens the unease. The promotion that should affirm your leadership instead sparks a wave of anxiety: Now I really have to prove myself. The award that should boost your confidence instead creates pressure: What if I can’t live up to this again? Every achievement becomes not a reassurance, but a new mask you feel obligated to hold in place.

This is the paradox of imposter syndrome: it doesn’t always shrink in proportion to your accomplishments. In fact, for many people, it expands with them. The higher you climb, the more there is to lose, and the more convincing your performance must appear.

That’s when it hit me – imposter syndrome may have little to do with whether you’re competent. The people who experience it most intensely are often the ones who are more than competent. Which means the root must lie somewhere else entirely.

The Authenticity Gap

So, if imposter syndrome isn’t about competence, then what is it really about?

One day you realize the person everyone else sees is not quite the person you know yourself to be. Competence without authenticity comes with a cost.

The answer, I believe, lies in the uneasy space between who we are and who we believe we need to be in order to belong.

Most of us enter new roles with a quiet awareness of how we’re expected to show up. Maybe it’s the unspoken rule that leaders have to be tough, confident, and unshakable. Or the pressure in corporate environments to tone down emotion, soften personality, or sideline aspects of our identity that don’t “fit” the culture. Sometimes it’s as subtle as mirroring how others speak in a meeting or second-guessing whether it’s safe to share an unconventional idea.

These adjustments seem small at first – just part of playing the game. But over time, they add up. Each compromise pulls you a little further away from your authentic self. Until one day, you realize the person everyone else sees is not quite the person you know yourself to be.

That’s when the imposter feeling creeps in. Not because you’re incapable, but because you’re performing. Because the version of you that’s succeeding isn’t fully real.

I call this the Authenticity Gap – the distance between your true self and the self you present to the world in order to be accepted. The wider the gap, the more fraud-like you feel, no matter how capable you actually are.

And here’s the truth most of us don’t admit out loud: you can be brilliant, successful, and deeply accomplished, and still feel like an imposter if you can’t bring your whole self with you. Competence without authenticity comes with a cost.

The Authenticity Gap in Action

Take Maya, for example.

On paper, Maya is a star. Ivy League education, fast-track promotions, a reputation for delivering results no matter how tough the assignment. People introduce her as “one to watch” in her organization. And yet, when she closes her office door at the end of the day, she feels like she’s been on stage for hours.

Why? Because the version of herself that succeeds at work isn’t the version that feels true. At the office, Maya lowers her voice so she won’t sound “too young.” She avoids talking about her volunteer work because it feels “soft” compared to the hard-edged image her colleagues project. She even changes the way she dresses – choosing sleek, muted outfits instead of the bold colors she loves - because she wants to be taken seriously.

None of these changes are catastrophic on their own. But added together, they create a constant strain. The mask stays on all day. And no matter how competent Maya is, she walks out of meetings with the quiet, nagging thought: They like the version of me I’ve built… but would they respect the real me?

That’s the lived experience of the authenticity gap. It’s not a lack of skill. It’s the weight of pretending.

The Hidden Costs of Pretending

The authenticity gap doesn’t just live in your mind. It seeps into your body, your relationships, and your sense of self. The toll it takes is gradual, but it can be profound.

The constant self-monitoring, the mental gymnastics of performance, and the pressure to suppress parts of yourself create a persistent state of stress. Over time, the tension becomes internal conflict. You begin to question whether the person you present to the world is truly “good enough,” and eventually, this doubt erodes your confidence.

Identity itself can begin to feel fragmented. You’re successful yet disconnected from the work that once energized you. You interact with colleagues, but the connection feels muted, because parts of yourself remain hidden. You achieve milestones, but joy and satisfaction are dampened, because the applause lands on a version of yourself that isn’t fully you.

The hidden costs accumulate quietly, like water slowly eroding stone. Over time, the small compromises you made to “fit in” compound into a subtle unraveling of self.

Maya’s Unraveling

For a while, Maya managed the balancing act. She told herself the adjustments were small prices to pay for success. After all, everyone adapts at work, right? But the longer she wore the mask, the heavier it became.

By the time she reached her third promotion, she was exhausted in ways she couldn’t quite explain. She wasn’t tired from the workload. She was tired from the performance. From constantly scanning the room before speaking, from monitoring every word and gesture, from holding back pieces of herself that didn’t feel welcome.

At first, the fatigue showed up subtly: restless nights, tension in her shoulders, a nagging sense of irritation she couldn’t place. But over time, it grew into something bigger. She started questioning whether she even deserved the recognition she was getting. “They admire the professional version of me,” she thought, “but would they still if they saw the whole picture?”

Her confidence began to wobble. The more she succeeded, the more disconnected she felt from the success itself. The praise and promotions rang hollow because they weren’t landing on the real Maya, they were landing on the character she had created.

And that’s the hidden cost of pretending. It doesn’t just drain your energy, it chips away at your sense of belonging, your confidence, even your joy in your own accomplishments. You can be thriving on paper and shrinking inside, because every step forward feels like proof that the mask works, not that you do.

Closing the Gap

Recognizing that you may be standing in the authenticity gap is a pivotal step, but awareness alone doesn’t resolve or close the chasm. Closing the gap requires a deliberate effort to align your work, your actions, and your presence with who you truly are.

It begins with self-reflection. Take time to notice when you feel most like a “performance” version of yourself. Ask questions such as:

• Where am I adjusting who I am to fit expectations or norms?

• Which aspects of myself do I hide or downplay to feel accepted?

• When do I feel energized versus drained in my daily work?

• Which of my personal core values are being honored, or neglected, in the way I show up?

Your personal core values are the compass that guides authentic action.

Values are the compass that guides authentic action. When you’re aware of what matters most to you – whether it’s integrity, creativity, collaboration, or impact – you can begin to identify where your behavior aligns with or diverges from those principles. Awareness of this alignment is a powerful tool: it shows you not only where you are stretching or compromising, but also why those moments trigger the imposter feeling.

Some of these questions may not have immediate answers, and that’s okay. The goal is to build awareness of patterns, triggers, and small compromises that accumulate over time.

Next comes intention. Identify one or two concrete ways you can begin showing up more authentically. Maybe it’s contributing an idea in a meeting in the way you naturally express it, rather than how you think others expect you to. Maybe it’s carving out a small piece of your day to honor your values, such as mentoring, volunteering, or pursuing a personal project that feeds your sense of purpose.

Finally, embrace incremental change. The authenticity gap rarely closes overnight, and attempting to do so can create its own stress. Instead, experiment with small shifts in behavior, presence, and communication. Notice the effect on your energy, confidence, and connection with others. Each alignment, no matter how minor, reduces the gap and eases the tension that fuels imposter feelings.

Closing the gap also requires compassion toward yourself. Recognize that the impulse to adapt, to perform, or to hide aspects of yourself often comes from survival instincts or previous experiences. Meeting yourself with curiosity and kindness creates space for sustainable change, rather than judgment or self-criticism.

When you begin to integrate these practices, a subtle transformation occurs. The mask becomes lighter, the tension softens, and the sense of fraudulence diminishes – not because you’ve proven yourself to others, but because you’ve honored yourself. Competence and authenticity coexist, and the imposter feeling gradually loses its power.

Imposter syndrome doesn’t always mean you’re unprepared. Sometimes, it signals something deeper: you’re out of alignment. You may have the skills, the experience, and the knowledge to succeed but if your actions, choices, and presence don’t reflect your true self, the gnawing sense of being a fraud will persist.

The antidote, then, isn’t found in more certifications, longer hours, or yet another achievement checklist. It’s found in authenticity. It’s about learning how to succeed without abandoning the very parts of yourself that make you who you are. It’s about showing up fully - voice, values, and vision intact, without shrinking or performing to fit someone else’s mold.

When you begin to align with your values - when the person others see is the same person you know yourself to be - the imposter feeling begins to lose its grip. Each decision made in alignment, each interaction lived authentically, chips away at the tension and doubt that has weighed you down for so long.

Because here’s the truth: you don’t have to perform or wear a mask to be respected, valued, or effective. The real power lies in leading as the person you truly are – confident in your capabilities, grounded in your values, and fully present.

Stepping into that alignment is not a one-time act; it is a practice, a commitment, and a journey. And every time you choose authenticity over performance, the imposter feeling diminishes, leaving space for clarity, confidence, and fulfillment.

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